Dealing
With Difficult People
"I try to get along with John, but we always seem to be on different
pages. I try to work with him, but a conflict always arises. Then I
feel guilty. I don't like the tension, but I don't seem to understand
how he thinks and acts or how to get along with him."
Sound familiar? We all have people in our lives who are difficult to
understand, work with, or be around. We say things like, "I'm tired
of his pushiness," "She's so picky, " "I can't seem to get him involved."
As long as we live, we will experience conflicts. Some persons are
more difficult to get along with than others. They seem irregular to
us.
Getting along with people takes effort. It means loving them when we
don't feel like it and when they are not lovable.
Understanding the Types of Difficult People
There are several types of difficult people. Each has certain characteristics
and requires different responses.
Busybody
Characteristics: He is zealous to police people's lives.
He attempts to force others to conform to his expectations. He's judgmental,
an overbearing warden, a meddler in other people's business, and a gossiper.
Response: Personally commit to giving and receiving only good reports.
Refuse to give ear to his gossip. Confront him about the facts, and
press him toward personal responsibility. Reprove, then rebuke him redemptively.
Antagonist
Characteristics: He is controlling and needs to shape his
world. He's domineering, aggressive, hostile, hot-tempered, and intimidating.
He's a bully who makes cutting remarks.
Response: Don't argue with him or listen to his opinions.
Express your opinions, and don't be intimidated. Demonstrate strength
without argument, and give him room and time to respond.
Indecisive
Characteristics: He is noncommittal, postpones decisions,
ignores issues, and wants all the facts.
Response: Let him voice his concerns. Use face-to-face
settings, offer alternatives, press for agreement in stages, and press
for decision and action.
Complainer
Characteristics: He gripes but takes no action. His gripes
may be real concerns, or he may feel powerless and refuse responsibility.
Response: Let him blow. Acknowledge his concerns, but don't
agree or empathize. Ask problem-solving questions. Don't allow complaints
to go unsettled.
Spoiler
Characteristics: He is negative and always says, "It won't
work." He's critical, cynical, a wet blanket, a negative influencer,
and an impossibility thinker. He finds problems and makes excuses for
his lack of responsibility, saying, "It's just the way I am."
Response: Don't give him a platform to complain or make
excuses. Counter his negativism with realistic optimism. Don't try to
convince him. Work to influence the larger group toward positive action.
Don't allow him to sway the group. Kindly express your confidence in
him, but point out that change is a choice.
Dead Beat
Characteristics: He won't take risks and is fearful and
lazy. He resists change, and he appears apathetic, disinterested, or
bored.
Response: Ask open-ended questions and demand more than
a yes or no answer. Draw out his perspectives, and press for conclusions
and responses. State presumed conclusions to solicit responses.
Know-It-All
Characteristics: He is strongly opinionated, competitive,
imposing, pompous, and intimidating. He often tries to make others feel
foolish or dumb.
Response: Know your facts. Be factual and concrete about
the issues. Ask how his facts bear on things, and ask him to restate
his views. Allow him to save face when he is inaccurate, and deal with
him alone when possible.
Mr. Nice Guy
Characteristics: He has a strong need for acceptance and
approval and portrays reasonable support in public. He may be a totally
different person in private. He accepts responsibility but doesn't follow
through.
Response: Give approval, and help him express his true
feelings. Work out task descriptions, and hold him accountable for tasks
to help him follow through.
Volcano
Characteristics: He's unpredictable and tends to be unapproachable.
he causes tension, and others are fearful and uncertain around him.
He's explosive, insensitive, loud, and cutting.
Response: Be calm and poised. Remove him from the crowd,
and give him time to blow. Don't argue or interrupt him. You may need
to ask him to repeat the details later. Minimize his exaggerations.
Remove hearsay, and deal only with facts, not emotion. Hold him accountable
for his actions and those he has hurt.
Sherman Tank
Characteristics: He has a tendency to intimidate others.
His "I'm right, you're wrong" attitude is insensitive and difficult
to reason with. He strongly influences others.
Response: Assess the degree of influence he has, and evaluate
the importance of the issue in conflict. If the issue has a direct or
negative effect on others, it may be worth fighting for. Be direct,
and be sure you have enough influence to fight for the issue.
Space Cadet
Characteristics: He lives in his own world and marches
to a different drummer. He doesn't respond to normal motivations. Most
feel frustrated working with the space cadet which causes much confusion.
Response: Don't be concerned about this type. Don't evaluate
your leadership by his responses. Don't ask his opinions; don't place
him in a team ministry; don't place him in a leadership position. Seek
to develop his uniqueness.
Crybaby
Characteristics: He tends to pout, to be full of self-pity,
to use moodiness to manipulate others, and to use the silent treatment
to get his way. He is sometimes negative, often infantile, and usually
irresponsible and hypersensitive.
Response: Tell him that moodiness is a choice. Teach him
he is responsible for the atmosphere he creates. Don't patronize or
enable his moodiness. Never reward or give undue attention to him. Expose
him to people with real problems, and praise his positive ideas and
actions. Ignore him when he pouts.
Garbage Collector
Characteristics: He is the most negative type. He gives
himself over to negative emotions and loves to replay and nurse his
injuries and victimization. He wants to hold on to his wounded spirit
and collect negative garbage.
Response: Confront him about trying to speak on behalf
of others. When he complains, make him give you names of those he is
supposedly speaking for. Challenge his generalizations and exaggerations.
If he has created a serious situation that needs to be resolved, expose
him to leaders who have the authority to make the necessary decisions.
User
Characteristics: He manipulates others for personal gain,
avoids personal responsibility, and demands time and energy from others.
He often uses guilt to get his way and may appear weak and needy to
get others' help.
Response: Set predetermined limits. Don't allow him to
use others. Require responsibility and accountability, and don't feel
guilty or obligated when a firm "no" is the best answer.
Ten Principles for Getting Along With Difficult People
- Maintain your confidence by being in right relationship with God.
You can't be objective or discerning if you're not in good standing
with God. A strong relationship with God gives you the grace and confidence
to deal properly with difficult people.
- Remember over-reacting will only accentuate the conflict and confuse
the issue.
- Hold realistic expectations. Make sure the difficult person can
reach your expectations. You may be expecting him to do or be something
that is impossible.
- Quit trying to change the difficult person. Give up your rights
and expectations regarding this person. Accept the fact that you can't
change him, but you can change your reactions to him.
- Refuse to play his games. He may attempt to use you or make you
feel guilty or obligated. Recognize the emotional games, and don't
participate.
- Don't allow yourself to become the difficult person's slave. Be
honest with yourself and learn to say no.
- Keep a proper spirit and attitude. Maintaining credibility is the
greatest struggle. Don't let bitterness, anger, or resentment grow.
- Allow God to lead you in dealing with the difficult person. There
are no easy answers or set patterns to dealing with him. The Holy
Spirit will give guidance.
- Confront immediately. Don't put off facing the conflict. It only
makes matters worse.
- Demonstrate godly compassion. The basis for getting along with people
is found in Jesus' words. A religious leader asked Jesus what was
the greatest commandment in the Law. Jesus responded, "'Love the Lord
your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your
mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second
is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' All the Law and the
Prophets hang on these two commandments" (Matthew 22:37-40, NIV).
It's easy to love those who love us and those who are easy to get along
with. But how do you treat the stranger, the difficult person, that
person you don't really understand, can't relate to and don't really
care about? Jesus said that is the true test of our character and love.
Ten Commandments of Confrontation
- Do it privately, not publicly.
- Do it as soon as possible.
- Speak to one issue at a time.
- Once you've make a point don't keep repeating it.
- Deal only with behaviors the person can change.
- Avoid sarcasm.
- Avoid words like "always" and "never".
- Present criticisms as suggestions or questions if possible.
- Don't apologize for the confrontation.
- Don't forget the compliments.
